Wednesday, 4 January 2012

McDonalds to open chain of Free Schools

Sauces at the DfE are confirming that McDonalds, the popular fast food restaurants, are set to open a chain of free schools across the country.

A spokesperson from McDonalds, Mr R. McDonald, today announced the new venture.  He said, "McDonalds already has thousands of restaurants throughout the country, we have sponsored hospital wings and we even have our own university.  Now thanks to Mr Gove we have the opportunity to establish a number of 11-16 schools.

We have learned that we do not have to follow the National Curriculum nor do we have to employ qualified teachers, so we won't!  Instead, we have designed our own McUrriculum.  Our pupils will study Customer Service, Numeracy and Literacy, Food Hygiene, and some will take a Business Management qualification.  We also hope to link up to other McDonalds around the world to give students access to a foreign language.  We intend to create our own version of the EBacc called the McBacc and this will be the only qualification in the world to be served with fries," he joked.

When pressed how the day to day running of the schools would work, Mr McDonald pointed out that the school already had its own uniform, its own motto ('"I'm loving it") and plenty of premises.  He said, "Many of the free schools struggle to find suitable premises, however we have thousands of buildings across the country which could be used at quiet times for learning.  Furthermore, now that tosser* Jamie Oliver can't tell free schools what to serve for lunch we will be able to provide a nutritious, balanced meal for every student each day."

Mr Gove recently confirmed the news when he was overheard by a journalist discussing the proposal over a Big Mac.  Mr Gove reputedly said that, "given all the crazy applications we have had to sift through, this one from McDonalds looks to be quite sensible.  Anyone who can't see how positive this would be must be some sort of left-wing, vegan, failure-loving enemy of progress."

*It is believed that Mr McDonald is referring to Jamie Oliver's renowned ability to mix salad with dressing.

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